Breakfast Roundtable: Cannibalism

Actual Breakfast conversation: Ethical Cannibalism.
“I don’t believe that it would be as simple as a cut-and-dried argument about just WHICH people would be eaten.”
“True. They would have to be ‘food-safe’ or inspected like beef and so-on.”
“Are we talking people farms? Like ‘we can breed them in Montana, and have mini malls for free-range Edifolks – great name, by the way – or just huge houses with them being bred and fattened-up in front of TV’s…. Or more like punishment? ‘Your sentence is to become a meal, douchebag.’ That would open some doors to arguments. And interesting zoning meetings, I’d bet.”
“I like Edifolks. Or Meatple.”
“I would like the Shepherd Pie, and my little lady there has a hankerin’ for some cowboy burger.”
(laughter, sounding much like the gibbon cage at the zoo is sporadically interrupted with a variety of names for culinary treats such as “Lou-sagna”)
“I think we’d just need to concentrate more on breeding good-natured people to avoid anything like Mad Cow.”
“OK, forget all that. The big question is ‘would you eat it?’ I mean, no market means no point in building the farms.”
“It would really depend on how they taste. I mean, a neutral taste like pork or whatever could be OK, because like Chinese food, you could season it, and it could pass for a lot of things.”
“Even more useful would be if humans tasted like turkey. Because they use turkey to imitate beef AND pork. Like turkey bacon, for instance.”
“The real trick, then would be to raise the people you’re planning on eating much as you’d raise a turkey.”
“So, like, to get that right flavor?”
“Exactly. Like you know how corn-fed beef tastes different than grass-fed beef?”
“Oh, yeah! So like, if you had cereal-fed food people, they might taste different than the ones you feed only Burger King.”
(My wife enters the room)
“What are you guys discussing so intently?”
“How to raise delicious people.”
“For future cannibalism. It’s probably going to happen, so we’re desensitizing ourselves to the possibility. Like a new area in the meat counter at the supermarket. That brings us back to ‘Free-Range Meatple’ and whatnot.”“See how progressive we are?”

“I’ll have the Moo-Shu Dork, please.”
(merriment ensues among the child and I as rage and utter disgust flows over onto my wife’s shirt and across the table)“I’m eating light. Do you have anything on the Vegan menu?”

“Do you think the Mulims would…“
“Leg quarters would be a huge meal on their own.”
“I am TIRED OF THIS!!”“Perhaps you need to switch to a leaner brand.”

(I receive a cold, cold look as wife exits room)

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Brian Stupski

Brian Stupski